Virmire
by Gabrielle Henson
Summary: A series of unrelated one-shots about the infamous Virmire choice. Different Shepard, different moments and different point of views in each chapter. 4th: Kaidan has a question for Tara Shepard.
1. Regrets

_This one is about my very first Shepard, Jane Shepard, earthborn, war hero, adept._

* * *

He had held a gun to his Commander's face. To HER face. After Horizon, after Mars, when would he stop making things worse and worse between them?

If he was honest with himself, though, Kaidan knew that their issues started way back before Horizon. They had started on a muggy planet, between sandy beaches and clear water. The kind of place he would like to bring her for vacation or honeymoon, if they were not Alliance soldiers with no time for this and if she were into that kind of romantic bullshit.

But Virmire had been anything but a romantic sight or a dream landscape. It would remain forever the place where Ashley Williams had died instead of him. It would forever stink of death and grief.

Shepard had never justified why she had come back for him instead of rushing to the AA tower to help Ashley as the plan originally was. According to Liara, there were many good reasons that could explain : the bomb came to mind first. The mission required this bomb to explode and destroy Saren's labs. That was why he had activated it in the first place. To make sure it would, no matter what. He was also a superior Officer and a good biotic, as Dr Chakwas had reminded him. Any other Alliance Officer would have picked him over Ashley. It was logical. Almost clinical. He wishes he could believe there was nothing more to it.

But there were other voices whispering - or not - other ways of thinking. He had activated the bomb. If Shepard trusted him to guard it until it explode, why coming back? He was a good biotic. But nothing as good as Shepard or Liara. He was a good tech. But he fell far behind Tali. Whereas Ashley was an incredible shot and an incredible soldier. Shepard always took her on missions. Always. Wrex had told him right to his face that he thought Ashley Williams was a far more precious asset to Shepard's team than he was. That Ashley's death was a terrible waste. Leaving him sick at wondering why Shepard had chosen to save him rather than Ash.

It's a rhetoric question. He knows why. Because of the shy smiles, of brushing arms and hands, of shared whispers and the promises of more later. Once alone after the debrief, she had told him, between threatening tears and anger that she could never leave him behind. His heart had sunk for two very different reasons. But she had also asked why he had activated the bomb. Why he had robbed them of more time to come back for Ashley.

Kaidan knows there was no way Ashley could have been saved. But sometimes, he wonders. What if? They had lost all communication with her long before the bomb explode, but that only meant her omnitool was destroyed. Nothing more. Had his decision really sent her to her death?

Sometimes, Kaidan dreams of Ashley overcoming all of the Geth, standing hurt among a pile of destroyed synthetics, proud, and smiling hopefully as she waits for Shepard to come back for her, only to receive a flood of fire on her head and to burn alive. These nights, Kaidan would wake up in sweat and never find sleep again. He wonders if Shepard has this kind of dreams too.

He knows what Ashley meant to Shepard. For a woman who had grown up on the streets on Earth, Ashley was the closest to what Shepard ever called family. The two had made talks to go and visit Ash's family on Amaterasu once the mission would be over. Their visit there had been far different from the one they had planned when Shepard had attended Ashley's honorific funerals and witnessed first hand her younger sisters breaking down while the eldest - the new eldest - was trying to keep it together and comfort them. As if it wasn't too much already for Shepard, Lynn Williams had come to see her at the end to tell her how proud her sister had been to serve under her, and to thank her - **thank her!** - for allowing Ashley to show her true potential. Already livid, Shepard had turned even paler and tired, and for a moment there, Kaidan had thought she might break into tears. Six days later, the Normandy SR-1 was blown up to pieces and Shepard declared KIA. Kaidan wonders if she had really fought to get to that safety pod then. She had hardly said a word to him during these days.

Kaidan used to mean a lot to Shepard too. After their night before Ilos, he had thought they might have a chance to get over this guilt together. They had hardly time to breathe and to see each other until they went to Amaterasu and Shepard finally died with the Normandy, leaving him alone to wallow in self-pity and guilt at losing them both.

Then Shepard came back and he couldn't believe his eyes. He still can't believe what he told her on Horizon. On Mars. He wants to believe it's really her. That what they once had is still there somewhere. He's not sure. Rumor has she's spending a lot of time with Traynor. And Garrus. He always knew she was swinging both ways, but he didn't care before. He knows she's gotten closer to Garrus during the suicide mission. Maybe she's seeing one of them.

Sometimes, their eyes meet and for the briefest moment, he forgets about Traynor and Garrus and wonders if he should go to her and asks for forgiveness. For Horizon. For Mars. For the Council. For Ashley.

He finally does one day. "I'm sorry, forgive me" he tells her. She looks at him, a little puzzled at first maybe. Then before he knows, she shrugs it off, looks away like she always does, tells she understands his doubts when she was with Cerberus, after she left Cerberus. He should feel better, but there is still a shadow looming over them, something hanging in the air between them. Something bigger than his anger on Horizon, than his mistrust on Mars, than a gun pointing at her. "About Ash," he adds.

A sad smile creeps over her lips. "There's nothing I can forgive you about Ash," she answers. "I am the one to blame, I am the one I can never forgive about her."

He had sometimes wondered if Shepard regretted loving him, choosing him over Ashley. Now, he knows she does.


	2. Family duty

_In the second installment in this Virmire series of one-shots, Jake Shepard, colonist ruthless, soldier, mostly renegade, visits the Williams family._

* * *

Jake Shepard fidgeted uncomfortably on his seat for what seemed to be the the billionth time in the last hour. He reached for his glass of orange juice on the coffee table in front of him and nodded to what the woman to his right was saying in a distraught voice, hoping somehow that drinking would prevent him to have to answer something.

He cast a glance to the two crying girls sitting on the sofa in front of him and wondered if he should smile reassuringly. There was a silence, and for a moment he struggled to find something to say.

The sound of a door opening and closing and footsteps coming closer happened then right on time to rescue him from his blatant lack of eloquence. Another young woman entered the room a few seconds later and he stood to acknowledge her entrance.

"This is Abby, the el…. the oldest of Ashley's sisters," Mrs Williams said to him. "Abby, this is Commander Shepard," she added for her daughter.

Abby Williams nodded curtly in his direction, and he could see her swallowing hard at the mention of his name. She was pretty, he noticed. "Prettier than Ashley," he couldn't help but think and chastised himself immediately. Ashley was dead. What kind of man could make such comparisons with a dead woman? Especially when said-woman was dead because of him?

Then, again, he found all of Ashley's sisters prettier than her. Not that he didn't find Ashley herself pretty enough. He grimaced at the thought. It reminded him of the time when he only saw his Gunnery Chief as a pack of bones he wanted to jump. He didn't want to be reminded of that time. He didn't want to remember that after she had turned him down, he had never tried to get to know her that much.

Abby came to sit between her sisters, and dragged their weeping forms into her arms. It only doubled the tears and Shepard felt even more uneasy than before. He tried to smile again but he wasn't sure what he had came up with was anything near the reassuring smile he was trying. This was a nonsense anyway. What was he trying to say? That everything would be alright? Ashley was dead. There was no way he could make this right.

He wondered why he was here. He remembered Kaidan and Liara talking him into coming. He should have said no. What Liara knew about what humans were supposed to do in such circumstances anyway?

He took another sip of his drink, his brains working furiously for something smart to say. This was ridiculous. He shouldn't feel that bad. He was Commander Shepard. He headbutted Krogans for breakfast, insulted the Council when he thought about informing them about his whereabouts, killed Geth by dozens and had just recently saved the Citadel from a massive attack. Four crying women should be nothing to handle.

And yet, here he was, somehow regretting he had not gone to help Ashley instead of Kaidan on Virmire: he would now have a far easier time talking with Kaidan's father, a former Alliance soldier himself, who would probably receive his visit with a little more dignity. He shook his head despite himself. He had made the right choice. He had not even blinked before making his decision. Ashley was just a good shot, she was expendable. There was nothing wrong with his choice and his line of thought. Tali, though, had recommended that he kept that sort of ideas to himself when he would meet the Williams. Tali, who had cried for days after Virmire. At some point, the two had become friends and he had not even noticed. He supposed it had something to do with the fact that Tali was an only child and being a big sister was like a second nature for Ashley. Even more natural than her mistrust of aliens. Shepard wished he could tell Ashley's sisters and mother something inspiring about that fact. But words were evading him more than a geth hopper. He kind of remembered that Ashley was not a great talker herself and had a thing for poets words. He had not paid enough attention to be certain though.

Ashley's mother asked him then if he wanted more orange juice and as he nodded, she filled his glass and handed him the datapad of pictures she was holding before. He flipped quickly between the family's photographs and could hardly suppress a grin at Ashley's already tomboyish look when she was a teenager. A lot of pictures showed the girls together, some showed Ashley with her father. On one, the two of them were wearing their dress uniform and were smiling proudly at the camera. On the following, Ashley was hardly visible, nearly disappearing in her three sisters combined hug. Shepard swallowed hard. Might he have made the same choices had his family never been killed on Mindoir? Would he have left them behind and risk his own life as willingly as Ashley had?

"How was she?" suddenly asked Sarah, the youngest of the girls. "During the mission, I mean."

Shepard pondered what to say. Kaidan had recommended that he told anecdotes and amusing stories about her and Shepard looked for something to follow his lieutenant's advice, but he soon realized he could not remember any. He wished it was because he was distraught and distracted by the high emotions in the room. Shame downed a little more on him at the realization that it was only because he had spent so little time with her. More than ever, he wished he had taken some time to know the person she was. He wished he had things to say to her sisters that would make them grin and say "that's so her". He wished he had enough imagination to make up a good story that would serve this very purpose. But he was not a storyteller, he was just a soldier making hard decisions where no one else could.

"She will receive the Nova Cluster from the Turians and the Silver Dagger from the Salarians for her bravery. She will be the first human to be awarded these medals. It's a great honor." he heard himself say instead.

They nodded weakly and he went on about duty, sacrifice, heroism, about how she had made a great name for herself. The words felt hollow and empty in his mouth and all he wanted was to be gone.

When he finally left them to their grief, he hardly heard their thanks for coming and when he met their eyes, he wondered if they really felt better now.

He certainly did not.


	3. Flesh and blood

_It's now the turn of my latest Shepard to date, Kate Shepard, Spacer, War hero, vanguard, mostly paragon. For her and Ashley Williams, Virmire is a defining moment._

* * *

Ashley Williams remembered very well that moment when she heard about Commander Shepard for the first time. She had then just enlisted in the Alliance and was in her early military training. The Alliance news network was reporting an attack on the colony of Elysium and in every corridor or break room, Ashley could not tear her gaze away from the screens where she watched images of destruction, cities in fire, monstrous aliens and charred bodies, and listened to survivors telling the most terrible stories. Then the images had switched to the resolute face of a young woman with short messy hair and striking hazel eyes. Shepard had apparently contained the attack nearly by herself until the closest Alliance ships came to the rescue and saved the colony. Shepard received the star of Terra for this and Ashley was in awe.

The feeling had not subsided years later when Shepard had came out of nowhere to save her from an army of Geth and later on, took her under her wing on the Normandy. At first surprised and even a little wary about how the Commander had willingly welcomed her, she had witnessed first hand why Shepard was the Alliance poster girl and one of its most famous and respected Officers. She had then embraced the mission and her role on the Normandy with more resolution and passion than ever before, resolute to prove herself to Shepard. Getting friends with her and earning her trust was the most gratifying thing she had ever accomplished. When she thought she would follow her to hell, it was not just words, Ashley meant it to the core. With Shepard, Ashley was not afraid of anything. She felt indestructible. Shepard was her hero.

So, when Virmire came, Ashley did not think twice before offering to go with the Salarians for what could really be a suicide mission. She felt a knot in her throat when she left with Captain Kirrahe but promised herself she would make her Commander proud.

Hours after leaving her team, she found herself pinned on the AA tower, surrounded by Geths and krogans. Two Salarians were bleeding to death at her feet. She felt blood flowing from a wound somewhere up her face. Her hands were burning at the heat of her assault rifle. She tried to think of any possible plan to meet the team where she was expected to. But she did not find any way out. Her end seemed unavoidable.

When Shepard's voice suddenly came over the com to ask her to hurry to meet the team, all she could answer was that it was impossible. The first thing that came to her mind was to feel sad at the idea of disappointing Shepard when she heard the anguish in her voice.

But she had not time to dwell on the fact. Only seconds later, Shepard told her she was en route with Garrus and Tali to come and get her. Hope came rushing back and she fought with new found resolution.

All hell broke loose only moments after. Geth reinforcements approached Kaidan's position while Shepard was still halfway between them.

"Go get Alenko" she yelled over the com between two rifle's bursts, when she felt her Commander hesitate about what to do.

She meant it. It was the best thing to do for a lot of reasons. She wanted to die a hero for a lot of reasons. For Shepard. For her family.

Shepard's answer was lost in the raging sound of firearms. Ashley shot a Geth trooper who had come too close to her liking and her shields went down in the explosion and her com burnt out. She knew then it was the end for her. She tentatively called out for Shepard but nothing answered but buzzling sounds. Her heart sank regretfully at the thought that she would not be able to say goodbye. She peeked over her cover and shot one more Geth, the last from this wave, but she already saw one more coming in the distance. She glanced at Kirrahe and two others Salarians to her left and nodded in encouragement. She, Ashley Williams, was going to die with a team of Salarians of all people. She felt an oddly sense of satisfaction at the thought. She waited for her shields to power up again and for her rifle heat to subside. Finally she went out of cover, gun blazing, Salarians on her heels. The Geth were already closer than she thought and her shields were down again before she knew. She shot the closest Geth trooper in its head, went for her shotgun with left hand to shoot another before he reached her. Before everything went black, she hoped her friends had made it.

When she awoke in the Normandy's medbay, hours later, she felt a little disoriented before she recognized Shepard's tired face overlooking her. The events of Virmire came rushing back to her and a smile crept over her lips.

"You did it…" she whispered weakly, her throat dry and croaky. "You did it…" A part of her could hardly believe it and her smile grew larger when she felt Shepard's hand squeezing hers. It was probably the first time the Commander had such a familiar gesture for her.

"Hey Kaidan," she said, and she turned her head to the other side of her bed, expecting to find Kaidan across Shepard, or maybe lying in the bed next to her.

But he wasn't there and Ashley felt sick. She turned back to Shepard and looked at her more clearly. She had dark rings under her eyes, and Ashley wondered if she had cried. She could not imagine Shepard crying.

"He didn't make it Ash," Shepard softly told her and she felt her heart constrict. "We didn't have time to come back for him too…"

Ashley couldn't believe her ears. She remained still, watching Shepard intently, as if waiting for Shepard to tell her it was all a joke, that of course, she had come back for Kaidan and saved him too. She was Shepard after all, wasn't she? She could do everything.

But Shepard just kept looking at her behind tired and terribly sad and worried eyes, and Ashley knew it was real, that Kaidan was dead.

Then, for the very first time since she knew her, Ashley saw something else than the Alliance poster girl, than the hero of Elysium, than the indestructible soldier, than the Commander. They looked at each other for a long time in silence, a long time during which Ashley wished she could say something but her throat was so tight that she could not make a sound. She eventually looked down and squeezed Shepard's hand in return until the Commander freed herself.

"I should go to get ready for the debriefing," she said.

"I'll meet you up there in a few minutes," Ashley heard herself answer.

Shepard nodded and Ashley watched her retreating form as she went away. When the door closed behind her, and the sound of her steps faded in the distance, Ashley fell back heavily onto her pillow. Her shoulders started to shake and she did not fight tears she did not remember holding back.


	4. Fifteen seconds

_Another one where Ash is the one left behind, this time by my only female Shepard who didn't like her (but I promise I do!)._

_Kaidan might love Tara Shepard - Spacer, sole survivor, infiltrator and renegade - despite her bitchy exterior but after Virmire, there's something he needs to know._

* * *

Kaidan stared for a moment at Shepard's cabin's closed door. Images and sounds of the last 24 hours kept turning in his head and left him with a sickening feeling throbbing in his chest. Surely, even Shepard should probably feel the whole uneasiness of the situation. He needed to talk to her about it, to check how she felt, to get all of what was boiling in his head out of his chest. He kept telling himself he trusted Shepard's judgement and decisions, but still, the doubt would not go away. Shepard never liked Ashley. She never liked the fact that Kaidan liked the younger marine. He could not stop thinking about it. Had Shepard left Ashley behind because of this?

He opened the door resolutely without bothering to knock. Shepard turned to the door as he entered and she hardly showed any surprise before smiling to him. She was apparently in the middle of some model building - of a turian cruiser as far as Kaidan could tell - and she came back to her work when he closed the door behind him. Her blonde hair was tied in her usual tonytail but a lone strand had escaped and was falling before her right eye. It was not enough to make her stop though and she only tried to blow it with an annoyed sigh while carrying on with her current task. Kaidan remained by the door looking at her, trying to ignore the butterflies in his stomach and to focus on the reason he was here.

Finally, she let go of the model and tucked the rebellious strand behind her ear before turning to him.

"What brings you here, my dear Lieutenant?" she asked playfully, a seductive smile appearing on her lips.

Any other day, Kaidan would have been flattered, flustered, happy of Shepard's playful mood and obvious satisfaction at seeing him. Some part of him was. But he hated that part. The last thing he wanted on his mind right now, was to desire Shepard.

"I came to check on you," he answered, his tone sounding a little unsure.

Shepard carefully put away some pieces of the model scattered on the table before leaning against it. She crossed her arms over her chest and frowned.

"Check on me?" she asked casually.

Kaidan watched her intently for a few seconds, looking into her clear blue eyes, her raised eyebrows and her quirked lips for the sign of some discomfort or bravado.

"About what happened on Virmire."

"There was nothing else to do." she answered at once and shrugged. "It's done."

And with that, she turned back to the model and started to gather the pieces she had pushed away a minute before.

Kaidan closed the distance between them and stopped right beside her.

"How could you say that?" he asked. "Like that? Ash died."

"I remember." Shepard answered without turning to him.

"Why?" he went on. "Why did you leave her behind? Garrus told me you were nearly at the tower when you turned back. Maybe there was time."

"There wasn't enough time for both of you," Shepard snapped, still focused on her model. "I don't make time, I make decisions."

"Why did you make this particular one then?"

"It was the right thing to do."

"You were closer to her position than mine! Why did you come back?"

"What do you want me to tell you?" she spat back, clearly annoyed now. "You want your Commander to justify her choices, Lieutenant?"

Kaidan grimaced a little at that, but he didn't step back. This reaction was to be expected. He sighed, closed his eyes briefly and went on.

"I'm not talking to my Commander," he answered carefully. "I'm talking to a friend."

An unreadable expression appeared on Shepard's face.

"A friend now?" she asked. She paused to see the discomfort playing on Kaidan's face, then resumed. "I kind of thought you wanted more than that."

"We both know what I mean by that," he replied, his tone firmer again. "That's precisely what I'm talking about. I mean…" he paused, wavered. He wasn't sure it was a good idea to broach the topic he had in mind, but he needed to. "I mean, Ash wasn't a rival. Never has been."

Understanding of where he was going with that dawned on Shepard. A smirk appeared slowly on her lips and a twinkle of amusement in her eyes.

"You think I thought she was?" she asked in utter disbelief.

She sounded nearly offended, and even a hint of contempt colored her tone. For the first time since he had known her, Kaidan wanted to punch her.

"You surely acted like it," Kaidan answered icily.

They stared at each other for a few seconds in silence, and the smirk on Shepard's lips disappeared and her nostrils slowly flared in anger.

"So that's it? that's why you came down here? To make sure that I didn't send a woman to her death because I thought she was a rival on the romantic territory?"

"That's not what I meant," Kaidan backpedaled, but he suddenly realized that not only it was just what he had told her, but that the thought had actually crossed his mind.

"That's exactly what you meant," Shepard replied, all previous amusement vanished for good. "Let me tell you this Alenko," she stood straight, leaving the table and the model behind her.

"Shepard…" Kaidan tried, but she cut him short.

"Shut up and listen," she said, her voice as cold as her icy blue eyes peering into his own. "I did not send a good marine to her death, the sister of three and the daughter of an Alliance's marine widow, because she might or might not have been a rival to me. Not only, she certainly wasn't, but do you really think that's the way Commander Shepard makes death or life decisions?"

"Shepard, that's not…"

"Shut up," she interrupted again. "I never liked Williams, that's true. You're important to me, that's also true. Did both these facts count when I made my decision? Yes they did."

Kaidan looked down and his stomach churned. He had come here to confront her about this precise issue and now, he did not want to hear it.

"But not in the way you think." Shepard went on after a painfully long pause ."You want to know why I chose to come back for you? Then listen : I came back because you're an Officer and she wasn't, I came back because you're a good biotic and she wasn't. These are the reasons why I chose to save your ass rather than hers, and there are the only reasons. Had things been the other way around regarding feelings, I would have saved you anyway. Only difference: the decision would have been longer to make. The fact that I like you better than her? I made the decisions in 5 seconds rather than 20."

She fell silent and Kaidan watched carefully the way her chest heaved a little faster than before, the way her icy blue eyes shone with uncharacteristic vulnerability.

"I'm sorry," he finally said. "I…"

"Don't," she interrupted. "She was important to you. I understand."

An embarrassed silence followed, and Kaidan thought best to leave it at that.

"I should go," he said. "I'll see you later."

He turned to leave but before he reached the door, she called after him.

"Kaidan…" she said in the softest tone he had ever known her. "I know you might not want to hear this… but for what it's worth, I'm relieved it went that way. I don't think I could do this without you."

He felt a sudden surge of affection for her, and for a moment he pondered whether he should come back to her and pulled her into his arms. Before he could make a decision, she straightened and the mask of the Commander was back into place.

"And I'm sorry for you loss," she added before turning back to her model.

He nodded slowly, watched her for a couple more minutes and finally left the room.


End file.
